Now I know how to grow love

I stood over Brooke's crib, snuggling with her before her morning nap, breathing in that baby scent and thought that I needed to write this.

I vividly remember the drive home from the hospital with Kendall.  I remember exactly where we were when Cory said, "So, we're done, right?" and I looked at him and said, "YUP!"  I'm not exactly sure what it was that made us make that choice right then and there.  My labor was easy, Kendall was in the NICU for almost a week, but they said she would be fine - and she was.  As she grew, our decision not to have any more children morphed into this fear that we would never be able to love anything as much as we loved Kendall.

That fear haunted me for my entire second pregnancy.

But let's rewind.  If we didn't want any more kids, why (how?!) did we have a second?  Well, I always said if we were going to have another, it would be before Kendall turned 3.  My sisters and I are far apart in age and that was difficult on me and our relationship growing up, so I wanted my kids closer in age.

On a Friday I went to my Doctor for a checkup.  She asked if I wanted to keep my IUD or if we had rethought our choice not to have more children.  I watched her disappointed face as I said I wanted to keep my IUD because we were sure that we weren't having more kids.

On that Sunday, on the way home from a friends, under the cover of darkness, I told Cory, "We need to have another baby."

I watched Kendall play with our friends daughter and it broke my heart that she was forever alone.  This had been building up for a while.  We'd go to the playground and all the siblings were playing together and Kendall was left out, alone.  Each time I saw her face and how badly she wanted to belong, I died a little.  I guess that day was my breaking point.

"We said no more."
"We can't afford another baby."
"Where are we going to put them?"
"Do you really want to do that all over again?"
"How could I love anything as much as I love Kendall?"

Two weeks later, my IUD fell out.  Seriously.  It fell out in the shower.  It was a sign.

Cory and I went back and forth.  I wanted a baby.  He didn't.  Then he wanted a baby.  I didn't.  After a few months, I told him we needed to make a choice and I needed to get another IUD if he really didn't want a baby.  He told me not to call the doctor.

Fast forward (not really, this was all from February to June) to Father's Day.  I'd taken like 8 pregnancy tests, all negative, but I knew.  FINALLY on Father's Day I got a positive test and I gave it to Cory in a bag... he's terrified to open up bags now.  He was much more excited than I could have imagined.  But then it really set in and I was TERRIFIED.  What were we doing?!

Then the anxiety about the gender... I knew we both really wanted another girl.  In my mind, it's always been 2 girls.  I was so afraid I would have a hard time if this baby was a boy.  I didn't know how to interact with a boy.  Could we afford to buy all new clothes and all that junk for a boy?  Since we didn't find out the gender, we waited until February 19th to find out.  Not that we had to wait long, Brooke was born less than 15 minutes after we got to the hospital.

I didn't have that immediate love thing that people talk about with Kendall.  Maybe it was because they took her away to the NICU immediately and I didn't get to see her.  But I had that moment with Brooke.  Maybe it was because I had no medication, I don't know.  But they handed her to me and I was instantly in love.

It all seems to silly now.  All that worry.  When I hold Brooke, I think back to how afraid I was that I didn't have enough love for her.  I look at my two girls and my heart nearly explodes, it's so full.

My doctor said something to me when I told her on that Friday that we were afraid of having another baby: "Love doesn't grow from division, it grows from multiplication."  It all makes sense now, I didn't have to share my love for Kendall with Brooke, my capacity to love grew.  And each day when I watch the two of them together, my love grows even more.  Brooke is so enamored with Kendall - I love the way she looks at her with such love and amazement.  And Kendall loves Brooke so much - she helps in any way she can and she's always so excited to see Brooke.

I am so happy that we had another.  Life feels complete and I think I'm the luckiest woman in all the world.